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The Engines are Revving

“I’m now ready to stand back up, tweak my website, record my animation demo, and get back out there!”

The last sentence of my previous post from March 2016. I am happy to report that my website has been tweaked, I am set to record my demo this coming Wednesday (May 18th) and I have a plan prepped and ready to be put into action.

That took time. In a world where everything is immediate, we are trained to expect instant results. At least I know I am. But I’m starting to come to terms with the fact that everything happens for a reason, including the timeline on which it happens.

So, I genuinely was sick for a solid month. Every time I thought I was getting better, I would lose my voice or gain a horrible cough. I had already postponed trying to do any auditions, so I easily spent that time out of the studio. And that time away bred doubt and insecurity. No, this isn’t yet another mopey blog entry. I’m just explaining where the time went. When you step away from something, you start to question the place it has in your life. I’ve learned from previous life experiences that separating myself from acting, locking away my creative flow, is detrimental to my quality of life. But I did begin to question if it was a career worth pursuing.

And I promptly slapped myself and said “yes”! But then taxes were due (first year I’ve ever owed money in my life and boy was it more than I was expecting!) and my dog needed a trip to the vet (I spent $600 for the vet to tell me that he’s healthy; worth it but painful to the wallet all the same), and I find myself at the end of April saying ‘Okay, I’ve managed to keep what I saved for my demo, let’s do this!’ and then – my car died.

I felt it coming but you’re never truly ready for any passing, even of the inanimate variety. Long story short, the repairs would cost more than the car was worth and no, I did not have an accident. I just drove it to the end. The mechanic was actually scared to drive it and called it unsafe and not worth repairing!

I was devastated. Not because I lost a material possession, although where I live there’s no bus-line so cars are essential, but because I knew that the money I had saved for my demo would now go to a deposit on my car. Just when I had overcome my physical illness, and my mental battles, I now had an exterior obstacle I could not ignore.

But when things are meant to be, they tend to happen quite smoothly. My parents all but insisted they loan me the money for the deposit and my father helped me find my dream car, in my price range, within 15 minutes of my house! My old car’s fate fell on a Friday and I was test driving my new car that Monday. I have an affordable monthly payment, great insurance and best of all – I still have the money I designated for my demo!

I’m not sure I can describe the mixture of feelings I’ve experienced in the course of about three weeks but I’m sure you can imagine. Even now, I’m an emotional roller coaster. I’m grateful for my support system. Not everyone has family that encourages them and mine go beyond encouragement – they push me. And they resent the guilt I feel for the help I’ve received, which makes me all the more grateful.

I’m also beyond scared. I’m terrified that I could be wasting my time and money on something that’s just simply not meant to be. There are plenty of talented people in the world who are never discovered; what’s to say I am not one of them?

But to give up now would be more devastating than trying and never succeeding. The unknown, the “what-iffs”, the “If-onlys” – I’ve lived with them for years and I’m tired of not having answers.

The final and obvious emotion, excitement! Years of waiting, of wandering down the wrong paths, have led me to this week. This is what I’ve wanted from the onset and although the demo does not guarantee anything, it’s a beginning. A conversation starter, a promise of what’s to come… it’s hope. And what I have to remind myself and I hope that you too will tell yourself each day in whatever endeavor you are on, is that it is always worth it to follow your dreams. It is worth it and I am worth it.

I am talented. I am driven. I am determined. I am passionate.

And I will succeed; how one defines success is subjective, so I’ll give my opinion at the end of my journey.

All I know is that when I step behind the mic I feel free and safe and at peace. That’s gotta mean something, right?

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